Monday, May 30, 2011

my sign would say

..."I hold grudges." And maybe if I had space I'd add, "for a really long time." This is partly what made me such a bad christian. I always had a serious amount of guilt for walking around hating people who did wrong towards me.
Quick Story: At the end of my sophomore year in college, someone really hurt my best friend's feelings. It was a terrible mess for her, terrible. Instinctively, I started hating the wrong doer, because this is what friends are supposed to do, and I was amazing at it. Things are fine between my best friend and this person now. But not with me. I don't like her now and I probably won't ever like her. Here's the catch, though, usually, if I know and love you, it takes a whole hell of a lot to push me into grudge mode. When I love people, I love them hard and usually grudges come forth when an individual hurts one of the people I consider my heart.
OR if you're a terrible driver. Like today.
I followed this family, on the road, closely and when I passed them, I gave them a dirty look because they cut me off in construction.
Don't put it past me. I will be a bitch. For long periods of time.

in unrelated news, i got new, expensive eye cream. Hopefully, this makes me look less like a walking corpse and more like a real girl.
But probably not.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

bending in the breeze

There are so many different ways to be brave. I don't know very many

Nel blu, dipinto di blu Felice di stare lassu

The mornings in spring are really great. They just kind of remind me that maybe it's okay - life, you know?
It's gray today.
The birds are in a tizzy over the abundance of food. It's a good tizzy.
Rain is close by and the world has been awake, excited to greet me. It might be a good day afterall.
I have a black cat lounging on me to assure me that, in fact, not *everyone* has abandoned me. He's a constant reminder that not all love is based upon a set of conditions. (I also have other things that remind me, but my little mister is my tangible token at this moment).
All of my issues are first world problems. I realize this. I don't have to fight for survival, I don't have to use my hands to fight off poverty, I get to walk without worry for the most part - sometimes I feel so silly for being tortured, because really I'm not.
This morning, pumping it's heart, swishing rain around in it's body, is telling me that. Grow up and be thankful and grateful and happy.
Sometimes it's easy.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Home is where I can take dumps

I'm home.
It's not that I hate standing in a booth for 10 hours a day, it's just that it gets boring and it sucks all the energy out of you and it makes you retain water and get very sore feet. So, I'm home and it feels nice to lay in my own bed and tip type these words.
Laying in my own bed, with a cute black cat next to me, is close to as good as it gets.

These next few weeks are going to be torturous. This coming weekend, we go to Memphis. The week after that we go to Columbus. The week after that Andy is in Chicago. We are, mostly what I call, domestic travelers. If we can get there within a driving day (less than 10 hours) we go to there. I mean, not *every* place, but still, we go to many areas within driving distance. Memphis and Wisconsin and DC are as far as we go in their perspective distances.

Oh jesus, this is getting boring.

Friday, May 20, 2011

loudly expressing my concern

In Indianapolis tonight - alone. Currently laying on a King sized bed, under the covers, on the computer with the TV on. A ridiculously absurd decadence. I'm going to take an insanely long shower in that huge bathroom with 2 shower heads and then lounge in my end-of-the-hall room - alone. I'm even straight across the hall from the fire escape.
But I'm still a little uneasy.
I'm nervous alone.
I most definitely don't want to only keep company with myself. I start thinking and doing introspection and uncomfortable things happen.
Luckily, my day tomorrow will be filled with lots of strangers and at the end of the work day, I get to hang out with my love partner.

And when the rapture happens, at least we'll be together.

kind of inspiring?

this is okay

all apologies

So, after the quake, Jesus comes back on his white horse. Is that before or after the 153 days in hell? I thought after the 153 days of hell on earth (hereforto known as HOE)there will be a big war - and then we have another chance to be granted into His Kingdom. God damn it, i'm so confused. Someone told me that probably HOE will most likely be Freshman year all over again. That'd be fine, if I could endure the man of dreams calling me names in front of all the cool people (yes, that actually happened) or if I could live through terrible skin and terrible teeth and really really short hair. I can't.
I *could* live through other things, like zombies and police randomly searching my house and crushing up dried bones for paste. I can do things like that. Hopefully, we won't have to, but listen here, I most definitely can survive HOE if it boils down to being a bad ass.
But seriously. I remember talking about the End Days when I went to a small country church in High School. I remember picking apart the Book of Revelations and talking about the Rapture and Hell on Earth and the big battle and how, after, Jesus will give us one more chance... if we can survive and admit our wrongdoings during the war. Or something along those lines. I don't remember exactly, but those are the keywords.
Anyway, my point is, the *end* of the world isn't tomorrow, it starts tomorrow.

I'm a little excited to see what happens. I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I know nothing is going to happen. The earth isn't ready for the end times, it's too young. Not to mention, human beings are going to bring about the end of the world, with this Mass Extinction we're causing - not a man/god who got beat up thousands of years ago. So, what about this Harold Camping? What will he do? What will his followers do when they find out that everything isn't as Harold Camping says? I predict that he says he did the math wrong...again. Just like he did in 1994. Or kill himself to save face. And his followers, maybe they'll realize that if they are going to be Christians they should follow Christ and not some old man who hates gay people and who hates abortions. I don't know just a thought

If it does happen, I know I'm not getting raptured. HOE is for me, I guess. I have two kittens who need me to take care of them. I just started growing grass for house plants, which I'm very excited about, I just did laundry - I at least want to dirty them up again. Also, my best friends will be here. And together, we'll learn how to live in the post-rapture world. And maybe it'll be fun.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You'll love this one

Relationships aren't static. We all know that, right? At least, I hope we do. It's a tough lesson to learn, though, if you haven't already.
Friendships evolve or devolve and that's life. Proximity is good, but not always. Smiles are good, but not consistently. Grace only goes so far - sometimes there really is a proverbial straw that really breaks the back of that god damned camel. What I mean to say is, holy shit, I'm a little bit lonely.
I don't know how it got like this.
Well, I do.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tribal tattoos. Just kidding.

we all have tribes, don't we? different circles that help survival in one form or another. i have found myself a nice and comfortable redefinition of family. my, a-hem, urban tribe, if you will, is eight deep. Six of us went to college together. Two of us are brothers, two of us were college roommates, three of us were college suite mates, two of us went to high school together and at one time, in the very recent past, all eight of us lived on the same street.
like any family, like any tribe, separation is occurring.
I'm not sure if this disbanding is what's causing my uneasy outlook. it seems like if i don't have my tribe tightly circled around me, all of our backs facing in the circle, spears drawn facing outward... if i don't have proximity, i fear for my tribe.

i just think that growing up shouldn't mean being separated.

being separated is the opposite of human. humans need to cluster.

Friday, May 13, 2011


there are plenty of things that totally get me down. lately, the biggest is feeling lonely and displaced and completely overlooked in the scheme of things. that's a big one. i feel overwhelmed and over stimulated to the point of rawness. i want to cut open my chest and let my heart slide out into the mud. i might as well, most of the time i'm completely empty. those things are floating around all six layers of my cortex. i'm functional most days, maybe even (seemingly, well, hopefully seemingly) happy. there are things that get me down, but a few things really make me feel like it's okay to be a human.
i'm serious. i love to floss. i don't understand people who don't. it's easy and healthy and supposedly, it adds longevity to one's lifespan.
and not trendy little partridge or swallow or sparrow coffeemugs, wall decals or necklaces (though i like those too). real birds. watching them and knowing state birds and knowing that i know the names of every bird on my feeder (and probably your feeder, too). i like that i have a favorite bird. i like remembering when and where i saw that bird and how i knew exactly what it was, because i was waiting to see it.
i like sleeping and reading. i like making fun of people who don't read. now, not people who *can't* read - just *don't* read. big difference. i used to help people learn to read.
that seems crazy, almost a whole lifetime ago when i had the desire and the drive to actually volunteer. ((wait, i'm starting to merge into sad territory... avert.))
i really, really, really like when i'm driving and a bird decides to run across the road, or parking lot to avoid getting hit instead of fly. it's a wonderful thing. so so funny and makes my heart feel 100 times bigger. i'm filled with so much love it's unbelievable.
i like it when i'm driving in a parking lot and i yield for pedestrians and they do a little jog to get their bodies to the other side. it's a little pay back, like, "okay, you were sweet enough to let me go, now, let me hurry the process" even though it doesn't. that's just another thing that makes me want to explode.
i like cross referencing facts.
i like writing poetry. more than that, i like reading it.
i like rubbing my feet together under the covers. it calms me down in a way i can't describe.
i like cussing. it's one of my favorite things in the entire world. it started out as a joke. but now, it makes me feel enormously awesome. and also, hilarious. maybe i'll clean up my mouth when i have kids. more like, if i have kids.

i like this blog post. maybe i'll write more at a later date.
probably will.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

will we ever confess what we've done

this isn't in my yard. i wish it was. soon, when husband and i have a house with our very own yard, we will spend all of our moneys on landscaping, until then, i have what i have. and that's a tree in the back that has already lost all it's blossoms. it's a good place for some squirrels to hang out and a perfect place for a bird feeder, so i'm not complaining.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What a cry baby

forgive me for being such a complainer yesterday. things are hard sometimes for my brain to process. mondays are those things most of the time.
today, it's supposed to be spring. real spring. warmer weather and chance of t-storms. finally. it's taken awhile to jump start this season in my heart. i still kind of feel like i'm sloshing around in december.
this past year has been concrete in my veins. April 23, 2010 I found out that I was losing my job that I had for years. i left in june. since then, i've lost my routine that I had for 5 years. it's been incredibly difficult to find a new one. sincerely and seriously, i can't seem to find my place. i'm floating around, existing, but not ever really fitting in. i miss people who have deep history with me.
i'm not saying that acting like someone who has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old is excusable, but when i think about this past year, i understand. i'm not that sure i gave myself enough time to grieve the loss of something i held dear.
so, here i am now, subtly sad about the life i had.
i still have a life partner who loves me and i him.
i still have a robin's nest outside my window.

life moves on and so do we. and, really, that's okay.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sanctuary, I beg.

Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to be thankful for my everyday life. Isn't that absurd? I have it amazingly easy. I have a beautiful life, really. A boy who loves me and two cats who are supremely different from each other AND other cats, but little gems, nonetheless. blah blah blah.
but some days, like today, i feel badly for myself because I have all these huge and ominous responsibilities, that i hate. i hate them. i hate work. the fact that i have to be somewhere. everything (nearly) irritates me on days like this. I shouldn't work customer service on days like this. i shouldn't have gotten dressed and shouldn't pretend that things are hunky dory on days like this. i should be a researcher with the freedom to take a personal day. i shouldn't be allowed to have contact with anyone who can't follow simple directions, or who doesn't understand that parenting really is the *only* thing they should be concerned with when they have children or people who don't know how to locate items in the library or snide teenager/early 20 something yr old girls who just are insanely arrogant. i need to stay home. in fact, i need to go home.
for something somewhere at some random time in my life, i'm home sick. i want to, with an intense desire, take my husband and my kittens and retreat. sew a white flag and wave it all the way to the country.

Friday, May 6, 2011

let us float

days like this make a girl happy about life. emotions were raw and exposed today - all day long. we have such an opportunity to feel - and i'm not sure the majority of us take advantage of that.
things were beautiful. rainy in the morning, brilliant at noon, rainy again then brilliant again. sparrows hop a little cuter on days like this when we get to drink in all the temperaments of spring. but honestly, who am i kidding? sparrows always hop on the supreme level of cute. buildings, on the other hand, are more amazing set to the background of ridiculously large clouds. it really makes a girl want to sit outside and not move for eons - to melt away with decomposition and become part of the mud. sit around, quietly, and watch evolution turn us into more capable beings. maybe my skin will eventually become the boots of someone famous.

i feel like we're on the cusp. like maybe good things could be happening somewhere in the future that is absurdly close at hand.

did you know it was nurses day? i didn't either. i don't really care*. every day is day, i mean, right? let's praise the oxygen for doing it's job and the sun, those are important jobs. but we don't.

let's let the clouds be clouds - even though i exalt them often.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I don't want to go without you anymore

Today is an iconic day for me - it's our wedding anniversary, me and my husband. I'm up about 45 minutes early about to bake biscuits. I honestly can't believe it's been four years. it's simultaneously a long time and a blink of an eye. time is useless that way - has no real bearings for my heart.
We're pretty strong together, though, if I say so.
So, happy four years to us. We're in it for the long haul.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My 8,000th first start

Aren't first blog posts the most difficult ones to type? And since I'm a "first blog post" connoisseur, I most definitely know what I'm talking about. They're hard. It's like, "should I introduce myself in some witty, cute way?" "should I talk about my intentions for this blog?" "Maybe this time I'll try something totally new, like... talk about how difficult the first post is..." I completely understand this isn't the most creative way to kick off a blog, but since I've started and stopped approximately 8 thousand blogs, I'll do the easy one.

Of course, by telling you that I'm a chronic starter, then chronic stopper of blogs, why, you're probably asking yourself, should I even invest in reading this one? Probably you shouldn't. But if you do, maybe we'll have fun together. Or maybe not.

I write poetry sometimes. And I do have a blog for that. That blog has been in existence for several years now... so, maybe I only pseudo have commitment issues.

This blog will be a catch all. That I promise you. At least for a little while.