you're all I got tonight

Let me just sit here while I catch my breath. Things are moving fast, probably typical behavior, but today everything seems to be blurry because of light-speed.

I'm in a dark bar - and here, things could make sense, maybe if I let them, you know? Talking people, clinking glasses, whiskey close at hand - let this by my hymn. It's holy, the interaction between me and low lighting. Between me and booze. Between me and slow, consistent heart-beats.

Last night, my homecoming was sweet, sweet sorrow. I spent the weekend with my mom in Wisconsin. It was an honest moment of serious thought and deep heart ache. And revisiting ancient pains. And celebrating a foundation worthy of complicated prose time and time again. Here's what I want to say: shit is messy and hard and far from static. Here's this other thing, too: Mostly, I have no idea. (But you knew that).

The weekend was good. And worthy of extra thought. I don't want to get too excited, but I wonder if this is what healing looks like.

or growing up.

We will see what my therapist says on Wednesday.

hey kids, shake a leg

I was going to title this blog post, "The loneliness of the long distant blogger". Yeah, yeah, yeah - i know it's a parody of this book i read in college - it was a collection of ridiculously sad, melancholy, blow-your-brains-out short stories, but they were good. Super good. I decided against it for 2 reasons: 1. My blog posts are mere idiot words strung together. I would never want to, even subtly, compare my dumb words to Alan Sillitoe. 2. All my blog posts thus far are song lyrics. So, I want consistency in my life - but there you go. These past few days have been less than ideal. My house hold is sick. My life partner has tonsillitis. And since i'm the less sick of the two, i've been doing things like making all food, doing laundry, washing dishes, feeding cats et cetera. I don't mind, really, i don't. i know he'd do the same for me. I just hope he doesn't have to - I hate being the sickest ever. This is boring. I know. Also, I've decided I want to learn about trees. Basically, just to be able to identify them when I'm out and about. I'm pretty good with local birds (I've been a birder since 4th grade), now I want to move to trees. My little red head bestie said she likes that about me, she likes that i like take up new hobbies. I like that she likes that, because i like that, too. I, also, need to tell you - I'm quite aware that my sentences all run together and that there are no paragraphs in my posts - this is not by choice. I don't know how to fix it. I should put an * where I want there to be a new paragraph but that just might be confusing. I don't know. This is a big deal to me. I thought I could get over it, but spaces in between thoughts are a good thing and my biggest character attribute in my posts. but damn it. I don't know. we'll see. My brother saved someone's life this weekend. she tried to kill herself. He sat by her at the hospital all weekend. Held her hand and sang the song of life that she's never heard. He's a good man - full of strength and honey. I love him. One day I will live less than 1 hour away from him. We will be best friends and he will be the best uncle to my kids and he will come over to my house for dinner and to shoot the shit and talk about our dad and play video games with my husband. Until then, he's in the Navy carrying caskets and saving lives, even if it's just listening to a girl talk about her problems after she gets stitched up from cutting her wrists. Did i ever tell you my brother is better than yours? because he is.