the only time i feel alright is by your side

this life is crazy mixed up busy and mind blowing. yep. traveling and working and moving shit out of our bedroom to get hardwood floors. living with your clothes in your living room is whack. whatever. so, i've nearly polished off 3/4 of a bottle of wine tonight. i hate to say this, because it shows that i have eating issues AND drinking issues, but i deserve as many calories as i want tonight because work sucks major dick. (excuse the expression. i know, it's crass). i like my job sometimes, people. don't get me wrong. but sometimes it's just so hard. hard. hard. hard. hard like a jersey shore boner. that's what i said earlier.

here's a run down: first and foremost, my big fat ass has got to start running again. I run a race on December 3rd. I can't be last place. that'll make me feel badly. secondly, i'm going to see my mom this weekend. sometimes i get nervous about that. it'll be fine. i came from her carbon and blood and foam. third, i get to see my friends jon and amy at the end of this month! fourth, i get to see my friend beremy (who is going to live with me - and we're gonna start a baking/brewing blog and things are going to be awesome because i feel so lonely and i'm actually going to have a friend who will hang out with me... and so on and so on!) and this weekend, while i'm away, my landlord is renovating my floors. i'm excited. it'll be a nice ass change.

here's this other thing i want to tell you, i can drink a quarter of a bottle of wine and still type a blog post. i'm not sure if that's good. or if that's bad.

one more thing. that's me with a TINY back pack on my back. that's my face saying "don't even, yeah right!"

i walk upon the river like it's easier than land

it's raining. it's been raining all day. and that's okay. I did a lot of driving and sometimes driving in the rain is good for the soul, today it was good.
i went to La Porte, Indiana.  i have history there. and family there. and a dead dad there. i also have a cousin who does hair there. that's basically why i went - to get my highlights and a trim. but i visited the graveyard.
it's weird how walking through the gate felt like a homecoming. i didn't have big revelations, i didn't actually *say* words to the grave stone like they do in the movies, i wasn't sad and weepy - i just was. i was comfortable and hiding underneath an umbrella.
i did take off my shoes. i wanted the soles of my feet to touch the ground that covered my kin - it was probably the best part of the day. i stood there. for a while. it's been eleven fucking years. can you believe that?
i stood on the ground that covered the remains of a dad i used to have. life is chaos and pretty fucking cruel. i feel better when i think about breathing in particles of all my ancestors. i feel better when i think about that time my dad suggested to my mom that maybe they should keep the baby instead. i feel better when i think of his ruddy complexion and barrel chest and how, if i have a baby boy i will petition all mighty powers within the universe to have him resemble an Anderson man. i feel better knowing that my dad didn't choose to disappear from my life. these things make the 11 years easier, but then i think of the apparent disorder and all the bull shit people tell themselves to get by.
so, i wasn't sad until i started driving away.
and it was the kind of sad that tastes stale.

the sound of ancient voices

starting last friday, i've been in indy. you know this because i've told you before, but in case you can't remember, i work a Do It Best hardware show 2 times a year - October and May. I make pretty good money for a weekend. It does take shit ton out of me. The past two markets I've been selling WordLock padlocks and I like them. I like being in the lock and door aisle. Seriously. Some good people down that row.

Husband visited this market and we got drunk. Bad idea when you have to work at 7 am to 530 pm, but we don't care - we're young! Just kidding, i really care. I shouldn't have, but i did and now i know to never do that again. but i probably will. We had good tequila and we chased it traditionally with sangrita and you know what? it was amazing. i just want you to know i could very easily be an alcoholic, i gotta keep these things in check. people shouldn't introduce me to smooth tequila with the best chaser in the world. but now i have to tell you, after we got a little drunk we went to circle center mall. do you know how fun it is to be drunk in a mall? do it at least once in your life. it makes malls SO MUCH more enjoyable. and you accidentally buy clothes that are too small and spend too much money. who cares? (me, again. i do, but i didn't then)

but now, i'm home. and i'm happy to be home - i slept in until 930. that's crazy. but like i said, this market really takes a ton out of me. harder than you think, no lie.

also, as a post script, our big home computer is completely dead. thus the lack of updating. blah.

sorry this post was so damn boring, i'll do better next time. i have to go pick up my car from henry's now, because yes, i got drunk last night.

this is the sound of settling

the absolute best part about being sick is the feeling better afterwards. that's a stupid ass thing to say, i know, but i'm saying it anyway. everything is amplified. booze, sunshine, cream cheese frosting, tv, hugs, sex, i mean.. just everything. well - not work.  ((zing))

it's officially fall - i've made my first autumnal flavored baked good this evening, pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. Yes, they will give your mind a blow job, (excuse my crass language, but it's funny to me tonight. Probably because saying "blow job" is funnier after one has been deathly ill for a while). But I'm not kidding. Here's the recipe. Make them. Do it. Don't be a baby.

Currently listening to Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism. You know what, I'm not ashamed. This album is good like breathing is good. I like it, reminds me of college and since i'm so old, it's nice to remember. I saw them in chicago promoting this cd. it was a date with my now husband - and we stood close, and swayed our bodies together and were drunk with noise and people and hot with the crowd. we clapped our hands feverishly at the end, but i kind of think we were applauding one another.