i play along with this charade

today, i want to be anything but what i am.
be anywhere else.

it's been a bad day.

i nearly got hit on the road and things at work
and blah and blah blah blah.

i'd be a good bartender.
i would be. good. likable. relates well with others. et cetera et cetera.

i just need more sleep - maybe?

i think i need a bottle tonight

i have a lot of things to say. really, i do.
i just don't know how to say them. i can be vague, though.
so here it goes:
i am pathetic.
that's something i can say without being too vulnerable.
but a different kind of pathetic. NOT like the man who made me feel uncomfortable by staring at me while he drove slowly past me blaring smooth jazz. not like that.
a different kind.
that's okay, i guess.

what's even more saddening is:
i can't get over it.
i can't.

come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long

don't tell a lot of people, but my husband and i took an impromptu trip to the lake this weekend.
well, it was impromptu for us.
we only had it planned for three weeks. what can i say? i like to plan.
but enough of my flaws, let me tell you - the more i think about life and what it means (wait, i'm not sure i *really* do that, but it sounds good) and what it's all about, the more i'm just unsure about so many things.
the point of it all is?
right? and your puent is? (that's an inside joke. sorry to all of you who don't get it).
for starters, do i really want to be a stationary kind of person? those mountains and that water make me feel like i don't.
but i do. i have friends having babies.
and that's important to me, to have roots. to think about baby oliver wanting me to hold him. taking him out and about and being an influence - a real one - on this little human who encompasses sweetness is colossal.
all of this doesn't make sense, i know. but i'm in perpetual upheaval. i feel crazy all the time, second guessing everything.
i mostly mean "everything" but not always.
i think i'm suffering from some late 20-something disease.
i don't know when i'm supposed to figure all this stuff out, it seems like i should be settled. a few things are settled. i feel loved, and that's important.
not a lot of people have that. so, i'm ahead in that respect.

okay. let me just be calm about a few things:
1. there's a baby in my life and even though he isn't mine, i'd go to war for his little face.
2. the mountains live in my blood
3. i, simultaneously, want to be here and there.

ghetto university

don't even get me started about tiny humans.
oh my fucking god. i mean, seriously can you believe that noses and skin and bones start out so damn small?
and perfect?
don't even go there.
i mean, the nose on this little guy just is the best damn nose i've seen since 1998.
let's think about how 10 months ago this baby wasn't even started. humans only take 9 months to make. and then, like little aliens, grow up inside another human, eat that other human's nutrients and use that other human's body as an incubator. i mean, THIS IS CRAZY. and when that baby is born, it pops out surrounded in so much love before he even knows that this world is big. surrounded by so much love before he even understands that this world can be poison. surrounded by so much love before he even understands that he has LIMBS! Crazy brain, crazy human, crazy love. it's all so much.

my best friend had a baby.
and i'm not sure i've ever been more proud in my adult life.
the whole procreation thing is honestly mind blowing.

did i mention how perfect he is? how his skin covers his bones and blood and muscles just like it should? did i mention that his chin is the dumbest, most amazing thing i've ever seen? did i mention that i love this little baby and he doesn't even have a favorite color yet. he hasn't even seen my face, but he can rest in the fact that i will love him always. i will beat the shit out of anyone who hurts him and i will be the person who gets it when he's troubled. and when he needs to break some laws, i'm the aunt to go to... and when he needs to talk about love and sex, i'm there. i'm excited. i'm excited to see this human grow up and be a .. well, a human.

oh lord.
the day he was born, sun warmed my shoulders and the sky was shouting something like "hosanna in the highest".

my little prince was born. my little prince is a combination of two of my favorite people. how can he not have all my love?

omg.

with your suede blue eyes

if i had my way, i'd get my masters in popular culture. with that said, i don't have to say how big of a fan i am of tv. not just any tv, though, so, please, don't make that mistake. though i'm easily entertained, i am a choosey watcher. i am, really. i will quit a show once i smell a turn for the worse. i will. just ask Glee . i quit that bitch about 3 episodes after i decided it was bad. i gave it 3 chances to redeem itself, then, after that, i cut ties. i don't feel badly about it. my time is precious, quite honestly, and if you are going to bore me with repetitive story lines and inconsistent character development, i'm out.
let me tell you - some shows are good. down right good to the morrow of it's bones - cohesive characters, arc story lines that are interesting and believable, amazing stand alone episodes that increase the believability of the show -- just, some shows get it so right that the shows that get it wrong should be so fucking embarrassed. (pardon my cussing, i'm just really serious about this). tv is an art. scratch that, tv CAN be an art. i can be the first to discriminate against bad tv. i'm talking to you, Big Brother and The Bachelor.

i'm going to recommend three shows to you, reader. and i mean it.

Avatar: The last airbender - TV series. NOT THE MOVIE, never the movie
The X-Files seasons 1-7 (selected episodes from 8 and 9).
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (muscle through the bad effects of season 1 and *just* get through season 4 - both "bad" things mentioned will help you one way or another, love the characters more. seriously)

If you loved me, you'd watch these. Get netflix and just start.

Also, give me money to go to school.

amen.